Friday: infiltrated Brasils with agent tashadandelion
. We cleverly disguised ourselves as salseros. People found our disguises quite convincing. We pretended to have a very good time; I must admit I rather convinced myself. Unfortunately Tasha's secret spy heels proved somewhat problematic for dancing. I think the secret compartment containing the iocane powder was chafing her toe. So her evening at Brasils ended early. Mine, not so much.
Saturday: Amtrak to CT with Agent Eleanor. Forward-deployed bicycle to 11th and Market before departure. Briefly escaped train at Penn Station to score sushi.
Agent John (aka "my brother") and I failed to see Batman due to a misreading of the movie times in the newspaper... undoubtedly the work of Disgusto.
Upon our return, reviewed best security practices with agent Mom until half past midnight.
Sunday: departed solo, having given Agent Eleanor secret orders for the next week.
Boarded Amtrak, allegedly to Philadelphia. Executed covert op: detrained at NYC. Agent noisefootprint
was unable to break cover but recommended Koreatown for procurement of tasty spy nutrients. Carried out intelligence operation in Koreatown, discovered Hangawi, a gourmet vegetarian restaurant.
Naturally I find nothing more unpleasant, but my deep cover persona requires me to pretend to be delighted by lovingly prepared vegan food. The things I do for my country!
Exceeded mission budgetary restrictions, disciplinary action to be considered later.
Swapped oversized American Girl pants (5000 secret agent dad points). I detest this hive of bourgeois liberalism, but it's an essential part of Agent Eleanor's deep cover.
Wandered around uptown, noted locations of Helmsley Building and Waldorf-Astoria, laughed appreciatively at Staples' new "Social Networking Cards" which they will sell bajillions of. Surfed metro to southern tip of Glamhattan to catch Agent swingchickie
's show. Took Agent swingchickie
by surprise— she clearly needs further intelligence training. Then again, her apparent all-consuming focus on rock 'n' roll may have been an aspect of her deep cover persona. Well done, well done.Willie Mae Ladies' Rock Camp
is a fundraiser for the Willie Mae Rock Camp for Girls
, which trains aspiring young
rockstars. Agent swingchickie
posed, VERY convincingly, as the lead singer of
The Hong Kong Kavaliers
Cheap Thrills. Their hit single "Augie" is now burning up the charts. Interested female agents should definitely consider enrolling in the August session of ladies' rock camp which still has openings.
After acquiring incriminating evidence (aka photos) and executing a mop-up operation (aka finishing my 312 Wheat Ale), I proceeded in the direction of the 14th Street Pier, where my mission profile required me to once again impersonate a salsero. Along the way, encountered the world's most disgusting bathroom and the world's most delicious tofu, access to both procured for a mere $4.95. Evidence suggests that agents of Disgusto have regularly met clandestinely in this bathroom. Have left certain intelligence records in Philadelphia, will post name and address later for the benefit of the Company.
At 14th Street Pier, succeeded in passing myself off as a salsero thanks to the decision to haul along secret spy dance shoes with me all damn weekend. Lack of mambo experience proved to be a nonissue for all partners encountered. Those I chose to interrogate professed complete ignorance on the question of dancing "on one" versus mambo or "on two."
They may, of course, have been deep cover agents themselves, snickering at my imagined competence. Whatever, they were hot.
At 9:40pm, realized I was running late for the Secret Spy Chinatown bus. Commenced parkour run. Undeniable tactical brilliance yielded only frustration and an intriguing cologne of sweat, humidity and street grime as I discovered that other Agents had reached the 14th Street Downtown F/V platform before me. As evidenced by police tape running the length of the platform. WTF, counterintelligence? Why was this not included in my briefing?
Bounding back up through the station (at, it must be admitted, significantly reduced speed), discovered signs indicating closure of downtown F/V platform. Said signs oriented to prevent viewing by agents actually heading in that direction. Further evidence of Disgusto operations.
There may be a mole in our operation.
As there was nothing else for it, I
commandeered a taxi. The fare to the bus station slightly exceeded my bus fare to Philadelphia. Granted, that's not saying much.
At the "Chinatown bus station" (we know better, of course), was shuttled from wrong bus to wrong bus. Finally located correct bus... along with far too many other people. There was no queue, and so the bus was filled on the basis of body weight and willingness to kill. Normally I would have no problem with this but I had my cover persona to consider. So I gritted my teeth, smiled like a sap and allowed various mothers and young children to board, then waited for the "extra" bus. Which turned out to be operated by an entirely different intelligence agency, requiring me to pay again. I didn't have to pay very much, of course, but still: it's time for a budget upgrade.
Let it be noted: don't even think about taking the last bus of the night home if Agent Eleanor is part of the mission manifest. Greyhound is a festering hive of Disgusto incompetence, but at least they queue up their customers.
Come to that, isn't it time I had a more relaxing cover persona? Someone who drinks beer and watches football, for cryin' out loud. Someone with more disposable income and a plausible cover story for riding Acela. This Boutell character is gonna be the death of me.
Thanks to extensive experience in all seven branches of the military (*), but more importantly to parenting experience, managed a super spy powernap on the bus. After, of course, configuring all relevant defensive countermeasures. And drinking carrot juice.
1am: recovered bicycle from forward deployment. Pedaled home. Repacked bag to travel on "business" (cough). Slept for for five and a half additional hours. Presented self in professional garb at 8am. Coworkers none the wiser as to my weekend activities.
(*) Don't pretend you don't know.